It's an unpopular opinion, but I strongly believe that avoiding confrontation does not create more peace in your life.
It actually builds resentment, cultivates unhappiness, and *disturbs* your peace.
Some mistake an enneagram type 8 (which is me) – the challenger – as people who *enjoy* arguing. I don’t enjoy confrontation for the sake of it. And I certainly do not enjoy arguing or debating.
Why do I LOVE confrontation then? Because it is HONESTY playing out in real life.
Confrontation is a chance to explain your boundaries, clarify how they have been broken, and describe how maybe you made a mistake in not being clear enough in identifying and communicating them. It is also a way to resolve and heal the behavior patterns that have developed.
This approach to confrontation is true for inner work as well as in relationships.
Avoidance *seems* easy and comfortable at the time.
A glass of wine, a cupcake, a vacation (all escapes!), sweeping something under the rug, walking away, not calling or texting for a while… But if you want the relationship with yourself or a loved one (or even a colleague) to be positive, you can’t avoid confronting problems for forever. I promise you they will not resolve this way.
You can either prepare yourself to address the problem, or allow it to *be addressed* at some point *for* you.
Now, here’s the enneagram 8 part of this: I LOVE control, and I hate feeling unsettled. So I will confront an issue head-on when I feel ready. I don’t let something fester for too long.
Does this mean I’ve confronted everything and everyone in my life? No. I have made peace with some things to be as they are, some people, etc.
If you’re unsettled about something or someone, don’t “self-care” it away. Tackle it head-on with honesty and by taking responsibility for your part in it.
This is one thing I want for us all in 2020 .
Comments 5
Hmmmm. I like the idea of tackling issues instead of letting them fester. I like the idea of being someone who moves forward instead of dodging the icky stuff.
A red flag came up for me though when you wrote “maybe you made a mistake in not being clear enough.” I can see how offering an apology can sometimes diffuse a situation, but man, it gives me an eye twitch — I don’t like the idea of being the girl who says “sorry, but….can I offer this solution?”
It’s so funny how certain words can trigger certain feelings. Lol – I guess I just found out I don’t like admitting out loud that maybe I made a mistake that contributed to a situation.
Thanks for the food for thought 😉
We have to own our mistakes, otherwise we are often not going to feel *safe* to those around us for whom we care greatly!
YES YES YES!!! I love this and agree 10000000% percent. Type 8 !!!
I love this Diane! And it had come at time where I have confrontation in my life in a couple of places. Things I have slept under the road but things I really want to deal with. Thank you for this, it is powerful!
100%. The fastest way through the shit is straight through the shit… no detours. 🖤